Where do I begin?

Hard to believe almost an entire month has passed by since my last post! Life has been...well let's just say life has been interesting lately. Busy, stressful, sad, worrisome...looking foward to spring weather, a fresh start and some good old fashioned sunshine to take away the winter blues. Let's see...work. My new position is fantastic, I am swamped daily and I love that-I am challenged and doing things new and outside of my comfort zone and that has been a good reminder to me that I am capable of learning/doing new things! HOWEVER, my company announced a few weeks ago that mid April they are laying off 10% of our staff. Doing the math that means that approximately 40 people are going to lose their jobs in less than two weeks...scary shit. I have no idea if I am safe-no idea if anyone is. I feel confident in the fact that I have seniority...9 years...so that helps, but the message from management is "every position is being looked at". SO while I am trying to not think about it, keep busy at work and do whatever I need to show my new boss that she should keep me around...it weighs on my mind, especially because I carry our health insurance...and we just bought a new van...and the list goes on. I am worried for everyone else at my company too, because I have many close friends there and no matter what-I will know the folks that are layed off and we all have our burdens and this is just simply not easy to be part of. In the last few weeks two of my coworkers have lost children. Daughters...one 14 and one in her thirties...both were unexpected and while I am not super close to either mother, it breaks my heart into a million pieces to know they are going through this loss...the uncomprehensable sadness they are facing. I am struggling with being a mom lately too. So much so that I decided to go to EAP through work and see a counselor...I feel frustrated, impatient, angry and yell way to much. I don't like myself when I lose my patience and frankly it just doesn't help when I have a five and two year old having tantums...I join them and our house turns into World War III. SO, last week I sat down with a perfect stranger and poured my heart out and bawled my eyes out for one hour...he made me feel better, normal, and definately reminded me that I am not in any way, shape, or form going to ruin my kids. Well, unless I am locking them in the closet, tied up and in the dark...which luckily I haven't done yet (but that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind!). So it was interesting to get advice from a random person. He really didn't tell me anything that my own friends and family haven't said...but for some reason it just hits home more when it comes from an outsider. I am going back this week, I had to laugh because he didn't give me the OPTION of coming back...just scheduled the appointment, so I think that means I am probably right in looking for a little help! I have been trying my best all week to practice patience...pick my battles, and remain CALM when no one (aka Katey) else is...it is helping. It is HARD work. But I feel better so I am going to continue to work on this-my kids deserve and damn it, so do I! I want to enjoy being a mom and not get so bogged down by the day to day things..behaviors that I can't change in one day...or one arguement about brushing teeth. I think about the women who lost thier daughters and I don't want to take my girls for granted for one more minute...they are my blessing and I need to cherish that. I am training for the half marathon...coming up in ONE month. I ran 9 miles yesterday...it almost killed me but I did it! I honestly can't wait for this to be over with...the running schedule it tough and I am definately pushing my limits physically. Will be glad to check this off my bucket list!!